I’ve neglected Cinderella (Episode 1 is here, Episode 2 is here) and her saga because I have a very short attention span. Also because I can’t think of what happens to Cinderella next. I’ve got some pictures of her naked on a Costa Rican beach but don’t know what to do with them. My plan was to have her run into the cross dressing Legos that Jenny the Bloggess gave me. And they did run into one another, but that’s as far as I’ve gotten. Ideas? Anyone?
The cross dressers run into Cinderella. And no one knows what to say.
So I’ve been writing about other stuff, like slow shitters and attempted murder and so on. This week, relatives came to town. My parents are both British. I’m first generation American, which means my bad English teeth were fixed by good American orthodontics. This also means I have no family here in the United States other than my parents and my sister. My aunt and my cousins are visiting. My cousins are a lot younger than me, but seem to tolerate me just the same. One of my cousins is gay which is fantastic news for all of us, because he’s the first gay man in our family tree and it’s about effing time. Anyway, what this means is that he did not mope about in Target when we went for our Target fieldtrip. Nor did he scoff at my purchases. Not only that but he led a group trip to Ikea and declared all the knitted throws lush, which is my new favorite word. He also noticed my highlights, whereas my husband said: “I like your haircut!” even though I hadn’t had one. And I had to explain there’s a difference between a haircut and a hair color and I did not have to do that with the gay cousin. The sad part is that all my relatives, (his sister and his mom who I love dearly as well) live six thousand miles away which is annoying when you love them so much. I keep waiting for the flying cars we were promised, like ages ago.
I know what you’re thinking right about now: You promised a penis! I’m getting there. Keep your undies on.
I went on a hike today and at coffee afterwards, my friend asked what I was doing with the rest of the day and I told her I was behind on blogging. She asked what I would write about and I explained that I’d bought some flesh colored earplugs from Target before the Yosemite trip and had had an epiphany: I was going to fix Ken’s hint of penis problem with an earplug. “A regular sized earplug?” she asked. “But won’t he have Coke dick? And I asked what that was and she told me a long story about a legendary guy in college who had a dick as wide as a Coke can. But Barbie/Cinderella has a waist as big as her neck and a rack that should actually prevent her from walking, let alone being an astrronaut or a nurse or a computer engineer. Forget “math is hard” Barbie. Walking is hard. So Coke can dick is completely called for.
Side note: My dear friend is my friend because she just smiles and says, “Oh that sounds like a fun day!” even though I’ve just revealed that I’m going to go home and stick an earplug on an inanimate object with Super Glue. You know who you are and I love you for it.
Anyway . Heeere we go…
But yeah, great solution right? I mean Barbie/Cinderella/GI Joe might be walking funny for a week but like my granny always said, lots of penis is better than no penis. Call me Mattel, we can do these in all the skin tones, even Twilight Edward.
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So, he’s uncircumcised then? And constantly erect? Nice.
Kristy´s last blog ..I have a Canadian boyfriend
You fascinate me.
Really, you do.
Also, I’m so glad that someone but a fucking tutorial for this on the internetz. The world thanks you!
XOXXX
Jenn B´s last blog ..Whorebag Slutfaces
Also – you have the sweetest sounding voice. It’s almost like watching Martha Stewart show you a “good thing”.
Kristy´s last blog ..I have a Canadian boyfriend
Ken is hung like a donkey…a big donkey. Rock on Cinderella!
Kathryn´s last blog ..Today is a new day…
Awesome things about this video:
1) It appears to me that you did all of that with 1 hand. Impressive!
2) You ripped his penis off so you could make a video showing the world how to reattach it.
3) You said it all in this pleasant motherly voice.
Also, when you said “the best part is, you can squeeze it, just like you do with regular earplugs”, I thought you were gonna say “just like you do with regular penises” and I was about to feel really bad for your husband
Oh, words cannot even begin to describe how very glad I am to have found your blog! I love it!!
And as for Rachel’s last sentence above, I spit out the Diet Coke I’m drinking!
Natalie´s last blog ..You Know Youre a Mom When-sDaze
And if you run out of earplugs, just take two Ken dolls, squeeze their penises, and insert one into ear ear canal! Yeah, it’ll look like you’re being double skull-fucked by twin pervert dolls, but who’s gonna wake you up when you look like that? Sweet dreams!
Steam Me up Kid´s last blog ..Or maybe it was the Stooge You know- the hot one Yes- there IS a hot Stooge Also- Mmmm hot stooge
I LOVE the word lush. The Ken thing cracked me up. Ummm…that’s hilarious. Of course, I’m also not mature enough to go to the ballet because all I do is laugh at the bulges in the mens’ tights. I’m thinking some of those are actual coke cans they put in their pants.
AmyBlam´s last blog ..One flew over the Blam nest
This is both bizarre and brilliant and I am going to tell EVERYONE I’VE EVER MET, EVER.
Except I’ll be using facebook.
So I’ll have to filter out my father’s whole side of the family.
Because they are afraid of penises. Even the dudes.
(*Especially* the dudes.)
Margaret´s last blog ..Wait for the Ding! or- The Day We Thought We Were Dead
I love the tutorial. The world needs more Ken dolls with penises!
Seriously the best thing I’ve seen today. And holy crap balls, Steam Me up, Kid’s comment made me howl. With laughter.
jennielynn´s last blog ..Why I Hate Kenneth Branagh
Ken made me forget my original comment. Dang him and his squishy penis.
I think the cross dressing legos need to become her replacement Gus-Gus and Jaques. Maybe they are the mice and had species reassignment surgery. They could assassinate the palace dog in revenge for Cinderella’s lost feet. Or not. I don’t know, I just discovered your blog a month ago and I’m pretty into the whole Cinderella thing. I sort of need a life.
jennielynn´s last blog ..Why I Hate Kenneth Branagh
This video is brilliant. I love how dead serious you are about the whole dilemma and solving it. Hilarious. Perhaps you could fashion Cinderella some feet using ear plugs. I mean, the shape wouldn’t work too well, but I’d imagine you could squish the plug up and cram it into a shoe. Then it ought to stay put once the earplug inflates. Maybe not at a flattering angle, but it’s something.
This is so funny! You just made my day better!
i’m with granny: lots of penis is better than no penis. thank god you used a full-sized ear plug and not an ear bud.
ps: cinderella’s beehive is bangin. no wonder the cross dressers sat and stared.
pattypunker´s last blog ..potions- lotions and a lepidopterist
I find this strangely erotic. What is WRONG with me???
Lori Hudson´s last blog ..Favorite Photo Friday – Hes 13 Today
Wow, I didn’t anticipate the feeling of relief upon seeing the finished product. It’s as though something was very wrong, and you have put it right and now the world is a better place. It’s not quite at the level of releasing Nelson Mandela or knocking down the Berlin Wall… Maybe like the restoration of the original Coke recipe? Anyway, thanks for your contribution to world okayness. It all helps.
punctured bicycle´s last blog ..In which I woman the barricades in a slightly jaded fashion
Ken’s new peeps is LUSH. Cinderella is a lucky girl!
It is fantastic..but where are his balls? Although he can’t get barbie/cinderella pregnant without a nutsack, so maybe that is a good thing..
Toni´s last blog ..Meh…
I feel like your video is some sort of break-thru for Ken and Barbies everywhere. It’s like you’ve saved them from extinction. Hopefully, they’ll repay you by letting you know where the story is going.
Alex@LateEnough´s last blog ..I Am Surrounded By Loons And They’re Starting To Gang Up On Me
OMG I don’t even know where to begin. That was awesome!
ohhhh yeah!!! coke can dick!!! I have heard about that…heard he’s a legend!!
Awesome. That video should go viral.
My husband wants to know if Ken’s shorts still fit.
I love you so much I can’t even express it in mere words.
ohnoAMY´s last blog ..50 years of my mom!
lmfao you are OFFICIALLY my favorite blogger ever. just for this.
my world is now complete! i laughed so hard at 5 in the morning i woke up my boyfriend, who was nowhere near as amused as i…but then again, he’s not got my sense of humor, eh?
: ]
valkyrie´s last blog ..lesbian erotica is THE DEVIL no- really
WHAT THE EFF work internet is loading everything BUT KEN’S BIG PICTURE.
Anyway. I was about to reply something about your “keep your panties on comment,” like, “How can you expect me to keep my panties on when there’s a penis involved?” but that sounded WAAAY too slutty, even for a Friday nearing lunch hour.
I’m feeling inadequate.
I think work is finally caught on to my lunch time antics so the picture of ken’s new earplug penis won’t even load. Bastard Big Brother. Anyway. I’ll just imagine it.
Coke dick….oh, like a coke can. Yeah. I thought you were talking about something else.
If the picture does eventually load, I smell the opportunity for a Bite the Bedbugs t-shirt with a text bubble saying, “I’ve got Coke dick”.
(1 penis and two dick mentions in one comment, now that is a first)
That was very disturbing.
Summer´s last blog ..BALUUUUUUGA
All hard, all the time, Ken. Much better than Surfs Up Ken.
I was totally thrown with ‘coke dick’ – thought maybe that crack makes a dick bigger? or not? anyway, got it now – like a coke can – and holy hell, if I ever met a coke dick, I’d marry it! OR just keep it for my cabana. I could rent it out.
Total random note, I was going to ask if you had British teeth. Good thing that’s not an issue
mommakiss´s last blog ..Flip Off – Damn Dog
OMG – TOO FUNNY!
Holly B´s last blog ..Dear Family- Please Dont Make Me Eat You – Suck A Fart Wednesday
Oh my my my! how awesome is that! thanks for an early morning giggle. And I am quite impressed you did that one handed. Ken looks much better with a penis. Though I was concerned when you squished it
So I think the next chapter in Cinderella’s epic adventures should go like this. Cinderella’s on vacation and she’s heard all about “coke dick surfs up Ken”. She’s super amped because she’s *so* over the pool boy. So she rips off all her clothes and poses provocatively on the beach as she waits for Ken to come back from his morning surf. Then she spots the 2 cross dressing legos ambling along. And they get into a lengthy discussion about the pros and cons of tan lines and gladiator sandals (the legos wouldn’t be caught dead in them either, they make their calves look chunky). Blah blah blah. One thing leads to another. Cinderella is happier than she’s ever been. So are the legos. Cinderella clean forgets about her hand and feet situation and everyone lives happily ever after. Except the pool boy. The end.
Claire Gutschow´s last blog ..Apparently sex sells airlines too Is Russia going stark raving loony
First of all I am rolling and it’s 5: 30 and I am praying I didn’t wake the kids! So glad you added the tutorial!
Second I totally LOVE the purple rug!! That pretty well rocks my world!
Are you gonna let the girls play with the anatomically correct Ken doll now??
Steph´s last blog ..A Little Less Talk and A Lot More Action
*sigh* you are so lucky to have a gay cousin….
Wupppy´s last blog ..The Good- The Bad- The Ugly- Part 5
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