I’ve been thinking a lot about divorce lately, because I was sad last week and the sadness tends to bring everything up. Specifically, I’ve been wondering about my children and how they make sense of being one of the few kids at school in a divorced home. Clyde and Ivy were nine months old when their dad and I split, barely crawling, one of them in constant physical therapy for a host of issues. It seems a lifetime ago. I have few pictures from that time, no video. The picture on my About Bedbugs page is actually the only photo from that time I have of us together. That year and the one prior is a blur of depression and anger and exhaustion. There is a drawing on a door upstairs in the house, that Hazel did in Sharpie when I was tending to the twins one night. I was furious with her when I saw it. But a few weeks later, I wrote the date above it using the same Sharpie. I knew that there would come a time when I would treasure that drawing. It is now proof. Proof I survived that time. Proof we all did.
11/18/06, by Hazel
Clyde and Ivy will not remember their dad and I living in the same house. Hazel will because she was four. Sometimes she mentions it. “Do you remember when dad used to live here?” she’ll ask. For Clyde and Ivy they will eventually learn that what they have going on – stepparents and moving back and forth from house to house is not the norm. I wonder when that first knowledge will come. If someone will say something to them on the playground or at the lunch table. Perhaps another child, when Clyde and Ivy explain they are going to their dad’s house for the weekend because their parents are divorced, will ask: “What is divorce?” This happened to Hazel once, and she said simply it was when your mom and dad live apart. I was glad we had never fought in front of the kids, and that she didn’t need to answer, “Divorce is when moms and dads hate each other” or “Divorce is when they fight all the time.”
Recently Clyde and Ivy’s babysitter split up with her husband. She has two children. Clyde and Ivy asked after her husband, because they hadn’t seen him in a while. She struggled with her response. “We won’t see him for a while,” she finally said. They have been talking about astronauts and space and the moon and stars lately. They have a fact book that focuses on space. Clyde asked: “Has he gone to space in a rocket ship?” She said yes. She apologized to me later for lying to them, but how could I be angry about that? It makes about as much sense as any other explanation about divorce. I felt sad for her and sad for my kids, who likely won’t see him again. Sometimes they look out their bedroom window at the moon and ask if he’s up there.
Hazel had a couple play dates last week. Two of them were with children either from divorced homes or currently going through a divorce. It was strangely nice to hear the chatter in the back of the car about stepparents and when they’d be with mom and when they’d be with dad. They didn’t have to explain to one another about divorce and how they have two houses and two beds. One of these kids is in the thick of it; her parents have just split, and lately I’ve been making a point to try and get Hazel and her together. I worry about the divorced kids more I guess. I think they get passed over for play dates, because maybe it’s too complicated with the two houses and other parents not knowing where the divorced kids are on any particular day. I’ve been fortunate; other parents are so good about asking when I’ve got the kids. I wonder about other kids though, maybe the kids of single parents who, (because the parents are working hard to survive,) spend long hours in after-school care. Those kids will be fine too; I am not at all saying after-school care is a bad place. But those are the kids I want to look out for a bit more.
When I was little, we lived next to a family who had two girls about me and my sister’s age. We were all close friends. Their parents both worked long hours and their grandparents lived with them too. In the summer, my mom, who didn’t work, would take us to the beach and we’d always take our neighbors. It was a given. Four kids must have been harder than two for my mom. And looking back, I sort of wonder why she did it. But I think I know. I think it was because she knew they would love a trip to the beach and that maybe the only way they’d get there would be by my mom going out of her way a bit. She was okay with that. I think it was better than knowing her kids were at the beach while the neighbor’s kids were at home.
In that case, their parents were still together, so it wasn’t really the same. But this weekend when we had one of Hazel’s friends with us (whose parents divorced about the same time I did) it reminded me of those beach days with my mom. This weekend, we took Hazel and her friend with us everywhere. We went swimming. We went to the movies. We went out to lunch and to the beach. I felt happy when I dropped her off at her mom’s house, almost like I’d accomplished something. Her mom has two jobs now, both involve 12 hour shifts at two different hospitals. I’m lucky I don’t have to work those kinds of hours and that between child support and TBZE supporting us I can be home with them while they’re little. I feel insanely lucky actually. So this summer I’m going to spread that luck around, both for the kids whose parents are already divorced and the kids going through it. I want those kids to have a good summer too. More than that, I want them to know that it’ll be okay and that they’re not freaks, and that if we all stick together, we’ll see that we’re not alone.
{ 28 comments }
I love this post! I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately – I’m not divorced (not even married – we’re still getting around to it), but with a boyfriend who works away from home monday to friday every week I guess it’s kinda the same. I also work full time, and my kids spend their day at childcare and after school club. I don’t really worry about that, it’s kind of the norm over here (I did the same when I was little), and I know they love it there. But I worry about all the things we don’t find time for during the week. We go to the beach, but for half an hour after dinner rather than all day. In the winter we go cross country skiing, but around the field rather than in the forest. It just seems that by the time we get home and have dinner it’s nearly bedtime, and I sometimes wonder if I’m letting their childhood pass without noticing it, or without making the most of it.
I split up with Gabriel’s dad when he was 13 months old. And this is all the stuff. This post made me cry.
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I can’t even…comment on this too much because it makes me want to cry thinking about my childhood. But…thanks for doing that for the divorced kids.
<3
Oh heavens, I’m a kid of divorce, but my dad didn’t live close by for long, so I didn’t really have to deal with the whole “who’s house will I be at” dilemma. And then my dad passed away so my mom truly had to do it all on her own. 6 kids, mind you. She’s a freakin hero. Now this here has got me to thinking about all the times my friend’s family let me tag along on their pizza nights and trips to the lake and ice cream store. Giving my mom a much needed break – a refresher. So you? You’re doing good. Real good by this friend of Hazels. Atta girl
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I’m so glad you shared this. Inour comfortable suburb and around many of the blogs I read, I just don’t hear much from divorced moms. I was raised by a single mom, and sadly, after nearly a year of separation, it seems I’ll soon be one myself. I’m glad to know that someone believes it’s still possible for my kids to be alright. I hope you post more on the subject.
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I think I like you even more every time you post. Just thought I should tell you that.
I do think it’s less of a stigma than it used to be. When I was a kid, I didn’t know many kids with divorced parents, but I remember when my husband and I were first dating and his cousin’s daughter (whose parents aren’t divorced) asked if she could call me “stepmom” since she didn’t have one but heard they were nice from her friends.
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You’re a good doobie! It is great that you are able to give Hazel’s friend a fun weekend.
I really appreciated this post. I feel like people avoid my girls for playdates sometimes because it makes them feel uncomfortable when I say, “Can you drop them at their dad’s afterward because I’m going to work and it’s his night.”
There were no other divorced parents in their classes at first, but as they get older there’s more and more.
It’s really lovely that you’re spreading your luck around.
I remember trying to explain the various family relationships to friends who parents were not divorced and pointing out the difference between step-siblings and half-siblings, which all seemed so simple to me but confused everyone else. But that was over thirty years ago, and I’m sure kids are more familiar now with the reality that families are not all from the same cookie cutter.
A really moving post…
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I am a kid from a divorced family. The ‘rents split when I was 2 and lived across the country from each other. Summers in one state, the rest of the year in another, splitting vacation, holidays and affection. It was hard, but it shaped me into who I am today (which is pretty awesome, might I add). Divorce is, unfortunately a fact of life, and more and more kids go through it every year. It’s too bad, but it is what it is and we all maket he best of it.
I love you. This post is so awesome and lovely. I want to hug your mom, and you, and you kids’ friends’ parents. I got divorced before I had kids and it wAs still so painful and stressful. I can’t imagine combining that with the stress of my twins’ first year.
Your kids will do fine. Divorce and different custody arrangements are so common now, that people are more thoughtful and awesome (like you and your mom).
What a beautiful thing for both you and your mother to do. It is the one thing I want my children to take with them as adults. … when possible, always pay it forward.
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This post made me adore you. It is such a good thing to do. If more parents were willing to make that kind of effort when they’re able, things would be better for everybody.
My friends and I trade babysitting/house-sitting, and since one of us is a single mama, it helps her out immensely. We’ve got each others backs. If I knew more moms, I’d do the same on my off-days. It’s good for the kids and it makes good karma, and spreads happiness around. In short: You are Awesomesauce.
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I’m not a child of divorce, but I wish I had been. Because I grew up thinking, “MARRIAGE is when moms and dads hate each other” and “MARRIAGE is when they fight all the time.”
Even as kid, I knew my parents would be better off without each other. Kids are perceptive. And in the end, if you and your former husband weren’t happy, your kids will one day understand that divorcing was in your best interest. And theirs, too.
(My parents are still unhappily married. And they’ve set a terrible example for me. But on the upside, I know exactly what I don’t want for myself.)
I feel very similarly. I am divorced with no kids from that marriage and now re-married with two of my own. Maybe because of my divorce or maybe not, but either way, I always seem to gravitate towards Joey’s friends from single parent households or households with two working parents who spent their Summer in a daycare with small children and no outlet. I never gave it much thought until now.
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Bless.
It’s just another difficult illusion to work through. Cheers to you getting through it swimmingly, whether or not it’s readily apparent at the moment. I support you decision to sharpie the date.
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A half hour after dinner sounds lovely. No sunburn, a nice sunset perhaps. You’re doing great. And cross country skiing? I mean who cares if it’s in a field. That counts. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I bet your kids will remember those beach outings fondly. Kids are like that. They remember the good stuff.
What a lovely girl you are. How sweet to make the extra effort for kids who are in a situation that is not of their own making.
I don’t even have kids and I teared up on this one. I feel so strangely appreciative that your spreading the luck/child care around.
Well, this is my opinion as an adult child of divorce: My grandma has been divorced and re-married four times. My mom has been divorced twice. And I don’t ever want to get married. It sounds all bad and bitter and whatever but honestly I just feel like it’s all for the best. I can not imagine my life if my mom and dad hadn’t split up when I was seven. Everything would have been different and they wouldn’t be happy. Both of them are in really good places now. And all of us kids (I have full siblings, half brothers AND adopted siblings) seem to have much more open minds about all sorts of lifestyles. Single parents are just as capable of having happy fulfilled families. Same with cut-and-paste families like my own. The whole cookie-cutter nuclear family is a storybook thing of the 1950s. Sure, it works for some, but not the majority of people.
I say, don’t even sweat it. It’ll work out. Just keep an honest and open dialogue about it with your children so they don’t have to make up stories about people hating each other and going to outer space or whatever.
Like. a lot.
when I was little I was the only one not adopted and I wanted to be.lol
I really think divorce and two homes is a lot more common than it may seem.
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this was sweet AND sour. but more sweet.
MOSTLY sweet.
i really loved it.
my parents were never married but split when i was 2 so i grew up knowing the stigma of being domestically different complete with being parents who didn’t want their kids playing with me as though my “bastard” status would rub off on them.
assholes…
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Beautiful post……….absolutely beautiful.
Every home should have a mom in love – and a daddy in space: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AWHCRO_Ys8I
Love your posts!
This one hit home for me. Divorced parents. Divorced myself (though luckily w/ no kids). I’m not certain that the “norm” is the traditional nuclear family these days, but in any case, your points about the challenges of kids in these situations are spot on.
I’ve been thinking a lot about support networks and how they can make the difference between success and failure (blog post coming in a couple of days). This post fit right into my thinking.
Thanks for writing!
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It’s interesting to read this from a parent’s perspective because so much of the material out there is usually based on the reflections of children of divorce.
It’s nice to hear that you’re working to make the experience on these kids (and not just your own) but I honestly would be shocked if any of them really did face a situation where they felt like “freaks” because of their family situations. Divorce, as depressing as it is to say, is just to common. Even when I was growing up (I was 9 when my parents split. Middle brother was 8 and Youngest Brother was 3) none of us ever felt like outsiders because of it. Sadly, it was normal. But at the same time, having so many peers going through the same thing made it easier too.
I think that between that and you being so awesome, your babies are going to be just fine
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Hi Tara! Fiona sent me the link to your blog and I love your writing! I totally have fond memories of going to the beach with you guys! Your mom is so awesome — I remember her great sense of humor, indignation if someone did something unjust or wrong (e.g. I remember her chasing down and chastising a bad driver for almost hitting our car full of kids), her wonderful whistling (can a person really make such beautiful music with just his/her mouth?), and her incredibly generous spirit. In particular, I remember one day back in elementary school I went over to your house to ask your mom for a French recipe for French class. Not only did she give me a great madeleine recipe, she insisted on baking me a batch on the spot because it was “so easy.” I distinctly remember thinking that it looked the opposite of easy and being floored by her generosity. I think the apple hasn’t fallen too far from the tree…your kids are very lucky to have you and your mom! Please give my best to your mom and Bridget!
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