It’s Like Oprah Says: Denial Isn’t Just a River in Egypt

Remember how I said I was taking a three month break from shopping, especially Target? And I named this experiment The Coven because as someone pointed out witches are the new zombies.  And most of you said, ha ha ha, good luck moron! Quit Target? That’s like trying to quit water!  And I said, no really, I am.  I really really am.

Here is the one month update:

The first couple hours were really pretty okay.  There was a little sweating and some pacing. Then I started doing lists in my head of all the things I would buy at Target when I was out of no shopping jail.  Then I bought a lot of underwear at Target because The Coven allows for underwear and food and medicine and anything used.  (No bonus points for used underwear.  Negative points for that actually and maybe a visit to the doctor’s office for crotch medicine (allowed), which you may need for the used underwear thing.)  Then our Costa Rica trip was coming up and I only had five bikinis one old bikini and I can’t very well be expected to buy a used bikini for my trip.  So I got a bikini, telling myself that I was merely having a sip from the fountain of joy that is Target.  It’s not like I was face down in the fountain guzzling, right?  I’m still in control.  Then I remembered that used clothes were allowed, so I started going to the Goodwill and when that wasn’t enough, the fancy consignment stores.  This is all completely fine, I muttered to myself as I pawed through the jeans rack.  Then we went to Costa Rica and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to get used souvenirs for my kids, so I didn’t. But a few people said, it’s okay.  You should get a pass for Costa Rica.  So I told myself that the universe gave me a hall pass for vacation and it would be like throwing it back in the face of the universe if I said no and that’s just rude.

Then I got back from Costa Rica and Hazel needed new shoes and so I said, well I’m in The Coven, they’re not so that’s okay right?  Then I bought two used pairs of shoes and a dress from eBay for myself, reasoning that I was buying used so I was not only not breaking any rules, but I was recycling and recycling is the right thing to do and you should do it for yourself and your kids and America.  Then it was a friend’s birthday and I thought oh I’ll make her something!  A heartfelt gift that shows how much I care and laughs in the face of consumerism!  But I remembered I have no crafty skills whatsoever and besides, I fight the good fight against laziness daily.  So I went out and got her a present and while looking at the presents I thought, OH NO I think I forgot to get myself something for MY birthday which was in March!  And it’s like Whitney Houston sang before she learned to love cocaine – learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all. So true Whit, so true.  I better make it up to myself; I’ll take that cuff bracelet too.

Then on Sunday, I decided we needed a lounger for the backyard because I was tired of lying on the patio on a free towel my dad got at some nerdville physics conference. I went to Cost Plus and wandered around looking for a lounger and all they had was this lounger that transformed into a coffee table when the need arose, which irritated me because why would I need a coffee table outdoors? Then I got the transformers theme song stuck in my head. Transformers more than meets the eye. Transformers robots in disguise and I decided it was a robotic lounge chair and I’d get my hands caught which is not at all unlikely because when I was in Costa Rica the lounge chairs didn’t go all the way back and my friend told me it was because someone lost a finger once at that same resort trying to put the chair down all the way! Then I was thinking about severed fingers and when that’s in your head, the only thing that will make things better is British candy. I got some of that and started eating it before I was even out of the British candy aisle of Cost Plus. Then I saw this Jesus bracelet which I’ll explain later and I thought, maybe it’ll help me stay strong and not shop anymore! I got that and then a necklace and a set of pint glasses and a set of plastic glasses and a pair of earrings and a pair of sandals and a C-3P0 Pez dispenser for the sole reason it was the last one left and you know what that means right?  It’s a collectible and I’ll keep it in the attic and it’ll pay for the kids college education in 10 years.  Except that I don’t really have an attic and what will happen is Ivy will find it, break C-3P0s neck, eat all his pez tabs and I’ll be like, you little jerk!  You didn’t save me any.

So as you can see I need a sponsor I can call daily it’s going really well!  Here for your enjoyment are all the things I have bought while I have been practicing The Coven.  I might need one of those SCRAM ankle bracelets that Linsey Lopants wears, so it’ll go off every time I pull my credit card out; I bet they have them at Target.

A) These are bikini shorts.  Well, swimming shorts for wearing over your swimsuit.  Not allowed unless you stretch the definition of underwear. Fail.

B) Used Miss Sixty platform sandals off eBay.  Used, so totally legit!  Take that doubters!

C) Sandals from Cost Plus.  New.  Fail.

D) Hoop earrings from Cost Plus.  Fail.

E) Jesus bracelet.  It has a pictures of the Catholic saints going all the way around.  And three pictures of Jesus.  Baby Jesus, regular Jesus and Jesus in the T position.  No Patron Saint of Target Addiction though.  Also not used.  Fail.

F) Cuff bracelet for my retroactive birthday present back in March.  New.  Fail.

G) Gold chain necklace from Cost Plus.  New. Fail.

H) True Religion jeans from consignment store.  Too small.  Used.  So bad and good.

I) My triumph.  Cynthia Steffe sundress.  Goodwill!  Used!

J – M) Underwear for the pool from Target.  Step off.  Legit.

N) T-shirt from The National concert.  Arun bought it for me.  Gifts are allowed.  Even when you say: “Buy me that.”

(Not pictured: C-3P0 Pez dispenser, a shirt and pair of black cargo capris both second-hand – they’re in the wash.  Also all the undies and the souvenirs for the kids).  Also a Juicy Couture dress like this one below that I just forgot about. Used though, off eBay.  Also these Miss Sixty boots that haven’t come in the mail.  Also used.  eBay.)

Last but not least (not arrived – hurry up boots!)

Tagged as: avoidance, regret, Target, The Coven