Downside: Almost Dying. Upside: My New BFF, Viagra!

A tree in the front yard fell down on Monday.  This happened in the half hour I wasn’t home (between getting Clyde and Ivy from school, then leaving again to get Hazel).  It would have demolished my car in the driveway, and anything/one else who’d been standing there.

Just after it fell, I took a photo, posted it on Twitter and attributed the calamity to the arrival of the ghost camera from The Bloggess.  To fill you in, Jenny, The Bloggess, auctioned off a possibly haunted camera on eBay and I bought it.  Obviously the tree trying to murder my family and the ghost camera’s presence in my house are not connected.  No, I’m kidding.  They are.  Here’s how I know: When I looked more closely at the photo I saw there was something strange and dark in the middle of it.  At first I thought it was cat, impaled on a branch.  It would make sense, Ivy’s standing very nearby and let’s face it, her track record with pets isn’t fantastic.  When I went out to the tree and looked, there was nothing there.   Have a guess what it is? Because I really haven’t the faintest.

On Friday I am going to Costa Rica with TBZE and I am going to pack a suitcase full of bikinis and flip flops and sunscreen.  That’s it.  Oh, and Cinderella and The Cross Dressing Legos given to me by Jenny, which when written out like that really looks like an indie band.  They’ll come too.  I’m going to take pictures of them all in the sand, on the beach and perhaps drinking by the pool, like the crazy lady I am.  It’s all for you guys, if you care.  If you’ve been one of my five longtime readers, you know Cinderella and her ex-boyfriend were going to run into one another at Target.  But I’m not allowed to go to Target because of The Coven.  Instead I have spent a bunch of money at Savers, a thrift store in my town.  Plus, I found a shitastic pair of Miss Sixty heels on eBay that were slightly used, which is slightly awesome, because I don’t even have to slightly ruin The Coven which doesn’t allow for anything new.  Since my Target plan has been foiled and since I can’t buy the brooding Edward from Twilight or the Ken doll with a hint of penis, I have to assign ex-boyfriend duties to one of Legos. So Cinderella and one of the Legos will have to run into one another on the beach in Costa Rica, because let’s face it, we’ve all run into an ex in some random far away place and thought aww, mother fuck.  Why should Cinderella be any different.  Are you confused?  It’s okay.  So am I.

Last but not least?  I made a new friend because of Viagra spam.  That actually deserves an exclamation point.  Let me try again:  I made a new friend because of Viagra spam!  Better.

Let me explain in the present tense to make it more exciting.

On Tuesday I get an email from someone I don’t know that reads: “Remove me from your list, you keep sending me Viagra spam.” I sit there looking at my phone (which is now shattered, thanks to me tripping over the downed tree – again, ghost camera) thinking what is this person talking about? As I’m rereading it, five more emails come in.  Ding ding ding, goes my phone.  Everyone is requesting the same thing – to be removed from some list.  I look more closely and see that we are all part of an email list put together by Meridian magazine, a literary magazine that sponsors a contest I entered.  Every time someone hits “reply” to this list, it goes to everyone again.  Each email that comes in is increasingly irate about the spam, which has nothing whatsoever to do with Viagra and is now 100% generated by people spamming each other about spam.  All this confirms my suspicions about people who enter literary contests, (I include myself here) which is that we are all complete bozos.  Finally someone sends an email that says: “I kind of like it. Please don’t remove me! It makes me feel…important.” And I think, oh hello new friend! because honestly, it’s such a relief after the 9,000 emails that say, REMOVE ME FROM YOUR LIST OR I WILL EAT YOUR BABIES.  I email him directly to say thanks for the laugh, you’re awesome and he finds me on facebook and sends me an email that says your whole family is adorable and I write on his wall isn’t it great we became friends because of Viagra? And then he writes me to say he read my blog and I write him back and something about where I put the comma, makes it sound like his name is Viagra and he’s like, oh yes!  I’ve always wanted a new name! And presto chango, new friend, Viagra.

Anyway, I’m off to Costa Rica in about 24 hours.  I will be gone for a week.  Don’t forget about me or I will eat your babies.

P.S.  If you’re not on already, get yourself on the blogroll.  When I get back I’ll do a real one on the homepage.  Do it now, because in a couple weeks I’m going to make it harder to qualify.  No more lobbing you a question about pineapple on pizza.  I’ll be requesting that you have served actual jail time.  Or at least probation.

P.P.S  Additional photo! A few commenters were like, hey MORON, it’s not an airplane black box or an impaled hairless cat…it’s your SON.  Tell me I’m not the only one who thought it was a cat?  Someone thought it was a french rooster, so I’m not the only one who needs their eyes checked.

Tagged as: Cat Murder, Cinderella, cross dressing lego, ghost camera, ivy, Target, the bloggess, The Coven