This One’s For You Jessie

First, I’m too scared to look at my lottery ticket, but I’m pretty sure I did not win.  This is mainly because I also did not get killed by a falling piano and I figure these things go hand in hand.  However, like a gift from God, my friend Jessie, who I have met I think only once or twice, but who has great shoes, wrote me asking me for a gory post about pregnancy.  Yes, you did Jessie.  Quit denying it.  If you’re a man, especially if you’re a man I have ever made eye contact with, you should stop reading right now.  Cover your ears and go, la la la la la and also gouge your eyes out.  The rest of you, let’s do this.

So Jessie is wondering if it’s as bad as they say and if she really will need these products she found on the interwebs.  I think she’s planning on getting pregnant one day and I’m going to go on record to say that that’s a bad idea.  Not for her particularly, but for women everywhere.  It’s just all around bad news.  But if you must, here are some scary ass products that will help or make things worse, depending.

Shrinxx Hips Reducer

Well hey!  Isn’t that a cute and jaunty belt!  I would totally wear that over a dress, paired with gladiator sandals and a fedora.  Oh, what’s that?  It’s a post pregnancy belt?  Weird, she doesn’t look like she had a baby.  She doesn’t look like she’s even thought about having a baby.  Her stomach has “No babies for me, no sir, not ever!” written all over it.  They think they can fool me with the granny panties, but in about five minutes she’s taking them off and going clubbing – because like I said, she has no kids and never will.

Prenatal Cradle V2 Supporter

What are these?  Sit down children and I will tell you.  According to the description: “Vaginal varicose veins and pubic swelling are just two of the things that no one tells you about beforehand. The Prenatal Cradle V2 Supporter($47) is designed to support the pubic area and help relieve the feeling that ‘everything is going to fall out the bottom.’”  So, here’s something I’ll just mention:  everything does fall out the bottom and relieving that feeling is not a good idea, because it’s something you should get used to.  Your insides will fall out and they will give you a pad so insanely big to wear home from the hospital, that your sister will see a couple spares in your bag and say way too loudly: “Now that’s what I call a MAXI pad!”  But if you want to get one, I won’t stop you.  You could pass them off as sexy undies maybe.  Except I guess not, because whoa, I just looked at the back.  Plus 3 points for the designer who said, “Oh, you know what would make this jock strap really sing?  A doily on the front!”  Minus 55 points for the designer who said, “Let’s put the label on the outside of the jock strap so we can double down on the humiliation factor.”  Her husband might be like “Whoa, where did you get those and what are they called, because those are HOT.”  And she can turn around and show him the label that says “V2 for vagina varicosities,” and he’ll die a little inside.

The TENS Machine or Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulator

Jessie, I know you’ve heard some bad stories about labor.  It’s not that bad.  Especially if you have a birthing ball and electrical currents to distract you.  You just strap on this apparatus above and every time you feel a contraction, you just press the button and it gives you an electric shock to soothe the pain.  The good thing about this product is that you have to take your shirt off which is super handy for when the guy with the good meds comes around and gives you a spinal block.  The bad things are numerous and varied.  For starters, electricity.  Do not want!  I mean not on my bare naked self.  For seconds, the remote looks exactly like the hospital TV remote, which means that while you’re sweating and crying and jamming the buttons trying to give yourself “pain canceling electric currents” you’re actually just changing the channel from CNN to reruns of Murder, She Wrote.

I leave you with this final thought, Jessie.  People will tell you that you don’t need any medication.  And that is true, you don’t.  I admire those women.  I think they are crazy, but in an admirable way.  But let’s say I told you that you needed to have your leg amputated.  It’s going to be so painful that at some point you might start shaking violently and throw up, especially if it this pain lasts, say, 48 hours.  But here, I have this birthing ball for you and also if you breathe like this he he he h0 ho ho, you’ll get through it.  Also, here is an electric shock machine called the Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulator that you can wear while we are sawing your leg off.  Oh, and we’ll let you have a cup of ice chips.  Option B is this medication in an IV bag.

But I’ll support whatever decisions you make, because you have great shoes and people with great shoes make great choices.  For the most part.  I’m generalizing, but for you, it’s true.  I might also send you these products, even if you decide babies are not for you.  The TENS machine has recall written all over it, but I think you could probably make the other stuff into a Halloween costume.

Tagged as: better living through chemistry, special request blog