As you may or may not know, I am married to a narcoleptic. The Best Zombie Ever’s third sleep study revelead that in addition to being narcoleptic, he also has sleep apnea, which means he stops breathing at night. Which fits – that’s why zombies stumble so much, they’re out of breath. Duh. So they prescribed a CPAP, which is a machine that you attach to your face to force air into your nose. Sleep apnea sufferers like to take periodic breaks from breathing just to terrify their wives. You want to take a break from breathing? CPAP doesn’t allow it. No not breathing for you! Breathe dammit!
FYI this is not my zombie. This is some other zombie. On CNN.
So he comes home and gives me the news about getting a CPAP. “Ooooh,” I said “that sounds exciting! Is it like a Darth Vader mask? Is it going to be like sleeping with Darth Vader? I could get a Princess Leia wig and we could you know…” “That’s not funny,” he said. “Don’t joke about this.” (Disclaimer that I’m not into that kinky shit and if I were it would be with C-3P0. Robot sex. It’s gotta be awesome.) Anyway, we got this machine about six weeks ago, and we put it next to the bed on the floor and both of us looked at it like, isn’t it great we have the CPAP now! Look how well it’s helping the carpet sleep! Last night he put it on for the first time. It was dark and he turned away from me because when you attach a vacuum cleaner hose to your face, I would imagine it’s embarrassing. Which is what he said, through the vacuum cleaner thingy, as he turned away from me. But it was really quite soothing, like sleeping next to a white noise machine, shh, shh, shh, it went all night long. Except for when he stopped breathing and gasped for air out his mouth instead of his nose and the machine did this kind of weird coughing sound like an old granny with emphysema. In the morning, he said, “I had crazy violent dreams.” And I said, “Well you’re a zombie, baby, that makes total sense.” Actually I didn’t say that, I think I said something pretty unsupportive and unhelpful like “Yikes.” But I’m going to work on that part.
I took a close look at the machine this morning and it has a “Therapy” setting on the dial! And lord knows I could use some therapy, being the non-crying robot I am. I can just attach it to my face, and turn it on and get therapy! So even if it doesn’t work for zombie, it’s not a wasted $1,500 Vader mask.
There, there, Tara, tell the CPAP your problems.
One last thing…it appears I am not the only deviant. Even Google says so:
Who wants to see Princess Leia without a bra? A shit ton of people apparently.
Also, I love you Zombie, things will get better.
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The CPAP looks crazysexycool, which is good b/c I need one, too.
Zombie sounds like a catch. Hang on to that vacuum face.
Wait. I thought Jesus was the best zombie ever.
And how on earth is a person (or a zombie, even) supposed to sleep in that get-up?
Arun, I have a dear friend in Belgium who has to use a mask, and he felt pretty strange about it. His wife doesn’t care because she sleeps so much better now that she isn’t anxiously waiting for him to take his next breath, or not in the worst case scenario. The best part is that after using it for a while, my friend began to feel so much better, less tired, less out of breath, had a lot more energy. This all started two years ago and they both think it’s wonderful and wouldn’t be without it. Give it a good try at least. After all, you loved Tara when she was all banged up and wired up with clenched teeth for ages, didn’t you? Big hug!
Give that man a full week of good sleep on that thing and he will be a different person. I promise! My husband has been using a CPAP for almost our entire marriage. Tough to get a little lovin’ while he is attached to the wall, but you can always spice it up with a little Darth Vader action or Night Nurse…maybe that is just us… Anyway, you will get used to the noise, but earplugs really help if you need a break every once in a while. You will all be feeling better soon. Good Luck!!!
Someone just reminded me that Vader was Leia’s father. Which would make it all extra kinky, probably not in a good way. So yeah, robot sex might be better.
Hilarious. I remember having to wear headgear as a kid. (Like I needed any help with my powder-blue eye glasses.) Even though I only had to wear it at night and no one was sleeping with me, I was STILL embarrassed.
And the docs/company who created CPAP clearly never had to USE it. Or there would be more sparkles and camouflage involved. Maybe a pocket for your alarm clock.
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Yeah, Princess Leia…not cool, totally forgot about that family tree. Try Princess Amadala..little fancy lipstick action sort of Geisha looking. That will sex that CPAP right up. The good thing is he won’t be able roll over and hog the bed. He is hooked to a wall and at your mercy!
Coastal Chick´s last blog ..East vs West
I’m glad someone already pointed out the Father/Daughter thing here. Otherwise, I’d be really late to the game and be worried to say anything, in case you already played the game.
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