You didn't believe me did you?! PROOF!
I’ve been buying a lot of lottery tickets, I mean not a lot a lot. Like, you don’t need to do an intervention, at least not yet. And if you do do an intervention, I’d like it if you just waited until the results of the April 27th Power Ball or Mega Number or Mega Balls or whatever it’s called. You know, the big one in California. It’s up to $191 million and Bridge Troll, AKA Mrs. Zombie, is absolutely going to win and I’ll even give you some of it if you’re a reader of this blog, so you should definitely leave a comment as proof. Yeah, you too spammers.
But there’s a problem which is that we can’t find the winning ticket. I looked at the numbers when The Best Zombie Ever bought it, and though I can’t recall them just this second, I remember looking at the numbers and thinking: F yeah, my ship has come IN. All weekend, we had the ticket in the car, balanced on the ashtray thing, or coin thing or whatever it is now that only dickheads smoke. But on Sunday night I realize (insert thunderclap here) it’s. not. there! And I shout Hey Best Zombie Ever, where is that ticket? Check your wallet! And he does and it’s not there. I check the car again and I start to think, oh no it blew away! And then, oh no, someone BROKE IN THE CAR AND STOLE IT, KNOWING IT’S THE WINNING TICKET! I actually have these thoughts.
So I’m talking to The Best Zombie Ever about what we’re going to do when we can’t find the winning ticket. I realize as soon as I say this that there’s an even bigger problem: how will I know we have the winning ticket if we can’t find it. Which is something I say aloud. The rest of the conversation goes like this:
The Best Zombie Ever : “You’re a lunatic and I could not be sorrier I married you. I’m going to bed.” Ha ha just kidding! That would be what The Worst Asshole Ever might have said. But he’s not that.
So for reals:
The Best Zombie Ever: “Well because it’ll be on the news about how there’s an unclaimed ticket that was purchased at the Quick Mart on the corner of 8th Avenue and we’ll know it’s us.” He’s very smart.
Mrs. Zombie: “Oh good thinking. If that happens we’ll have to blow up the car looking for the ticket.”
He explains to me about what happens to paper lottery tickets inside cars on fire, so I reevaluate that.
Mrs. Zombie: “All this is pointless. I have a better chance of being killed by a falling piano, than winning the lottery.”
Here we both pause, imagining me crushed by a piano. The Best Zombie Ever looks alarmed, but isn’t crying, which he probably should be. Hello, your wife just DIED!
Mrs. Zombie: “Oh God, wouldn’t that be awful? If I got killed by a falling piano?”
The Best Zombie Ever: “Ha ha ha. Oh that would be really bad.”
Mrs. Zombie: “But worse than that is that if I was killed by a falling piano, and then the next day you realized we won the lottery but you’d lost the ticket.”
He agrees that this would be his worst day ever and he does in fact look a little tearful, but I’m not sure if it’s about me under a piano or the lost ticket.
Bullshit News By Mrs. Zombie
You’d think news of my impending Mega Balls win would count as bullshit, but not yet it doesn’t! So all you dubious bitches can bite me. The rest of you will be given cars when I win. No, the real bullshit news is that it looks like I need to go to court for child support stuff. Unless there’s a miracle of some sort and we can get this sorted out through our lawyers. But lawyers like to go to court, I’m pretty convinced of it now. This is so they can say things like, “Your honor, this whole thing is a red herring!” which is an actual true thing I heard said about me in court, or at least directed at me. Which made no sense at all, but I kind of think she’d been waiting forever to say “red herring.” She said it like she’d just learned it and goddamnit she was going to use it. So yeah. Bullshit. But I’m stronger now, a robot if you will. Plus, I’ll be a millionaire robot shortly. If I don’t get crushed by a piano first.
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Did you check Ivy’s pockets?
Just wondering . . .
I really hope you won, but worst case scenario and all; if not, at least your pastel hair came out nice in that picture.
I went out on a limb with that semicolon; I’m not sure it made anything make more sense.
punctured bicycle´s last blog ..Two week forecast
Yes. Yes. Yes!
Normally, I’m super peeved when my reader doesn’t work, but in this case, it shielded me from several of your posts, so I get to catch up! Woooooot!
Sarah P´s last blog ..PSA: Non-Date-Rape Etiquette
Found another one in my back pocket. I left it on my dresser in the closet. Not sure if it’s the one from the car, though.
That’s it! I seen it earlier and I thought, “He’s hiding the winning ticket!” But now I have faith again because you just came clean. Good zombie.
our blog is HILARIOUS! I stumbled across it on a friend’s page one day and I cannot stop reading it! I look forward to reading your new posts on a regular basis. Thank you for sharing your thoughts! You are an amazing writer and I laugh out loud everytime I read what you wrote. Thank you again for your wonderful writing, please don’t stop!!
I meant “your” blog is hilarious! But obviously if we had a blog together it would still be pretty funny…HA!
Lucy! We SHOULD have a blog together. If you think I’m funny, then I think you’re funny. That’s how it works. Maybe you should guest post for me. I’ll throw out some possible headlines for your guest blog posts:
I Hate Tab Top Curtains!
Don’t Throw the Dog!
She Did Not Win the Lottery but she Found a New Reader. Hi, I’m Lucy!
Those are just some ideas. I’m open to suggestions.
Lots of robotic love, Tara.
P.S. If that robotic love thing creeps you out, then forget I said anything.
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