I’m very anxious today. I think I’ll go and see the firemen this afternoon at Trader Joes, where they live. Sometimes they live at Safeway, but mostly Trader Joes. I know they live there, because they are there pretty much all the time and also, when I see them they never have a cart. Once in a while they have a basket. But mostly they just strut around looking like, well, firemen. I’m pretty sure they are there to check out all the hot moms, like me. Actually not like me. As you know recently I was transformed into a Bridge Troll by a CVS camera. Fuckers. When I used to be stupid and take all the kids with me grocery shopping, the firemen would come up to the kids with fire chief badge stickers. The kids would all swoon. I might have a little too, depending on the fireman. This was before I met The Best Zombie Ever, now I only have eyes for zombies. Recently, I relayed this firemen grocery shopping stuff to my sister – how they just kind of walk around, not buying anything. “Maybe it’s like a public service,” she said. “Like, ‘here we are in the community, shopping like regular peeps. If you’re on fire you should totally call us, we have big hoses!’”
When Hazel was just learning to crawl, I locked myself out of the house when I went to take the trash out. Hazel was still inside. I was in my nightgown and somehow, probably because I was being a bad mom and yacking on the phone, I had the phone with me. I could see her through the patio doors crawling towards me, like what are you doing out there. I am in here and we should never be apart, which she and I disagreed about, but anyway. So I tried all the windows in the house, all the doors, while Hazel is getting more and more agitated, and confused and then starts wailing, her face against the glass. The fire department! I thought. That’s who you call when you’re in your nightgown. The fire department! Except it seemed excessive to call the fire department. And also my nightgown was not cute at all and had Cheetos dust on the chest from when I ate breakfast in bed. So I called my parents who had extra keys. That’s the end of that story. Where did you think it was going? Fireman sex? You’re disgusting. Oh, you weren’t thinking that at all? Sorry.
A couple years ago, I relayed this story to another mom at Hazel’s school. I didn’t even get to the part about trying all the windows, I think I started to say: “And then I realized I was locked out…” Right away she jumps in, all excited: “Oh did you call the Fair Oaks Fire Department? You’re in Fair Oaks right? They’re so hot, right? Oh my God, they’re so hot, I call them all the time.” When I told her about calling my parents and them bringing extra keys, she made a face like I had ruined her whole day.
I think I’m thinking about who to call in an emergency because I’m anxious today. Today I hear about child support. My ex-husband stopped paying child support when I got remarried. It’s a long story and I always worry what my children will one day read so I’ll stop there. Except to say he owes me money but because I don’t completely understand the laws, I have no idea if I’ll actually get it.
Evidence my anxiety is on the rise:
Exhibit A: I got a faux fur coat that I don’t need. Like, at all.
Huggie Bear hosts a playdate.
Exhibit B: I currently have $211 of stuff in my online cart at Forever 21 even though I vowed not to shop there anymore – not for all the usual reasons (it’s trashy, it’s cheap and 21 was a long ass time ago). But because of their Jesus message on their bags.
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal tube tops."
I have nothing against Jesus per se, but I don’t want to think about thorn crowns and nails and bleeding when I’m buying the Birds in Flight Tank. I like to keep these things separate.
What they want me to think about…
Brain bleach! Where can I find brain bleach on Forever 21?! Accessories?
What I want to think about…
Geese on my boobs! WAY less stressful than thorn crowns.
Exhibit C: I keep seeing this pastel hair trend and I want in. Because if I’m going to look like a Bridge Troll, I might as well go all out. I already predict disaster, as it’s how all my DIY hair projects end. So stay tuned for that.
Just a few strands. I promise.
{ 8 comments }
I took a fire science class at Pima CC when I didn’t know what the hell I wanted to do with my life. I dropped out on the first day of class, when the everyone who showed up looked like they just stepped out of some Marlboro meets JC Penny ad. Had I know about this Trader Joes connection, or hot moms calling to rescue kids or cats, I probably would have stayed , and thus, I’d be at Trader Joes right now, wondering who the hell was in the fur coat.
Pablo´s last blog ..The Original Good Fighter
1) Hope that child support stuff works out for you in spades.
2) My first thought on seeing that pastel hair photo was, Ooh, silver-grey streaks! and my second thought was, I’m already rocking that crazy-cat-lady hair where there are too many colours, a predominant one being grey.
3) “Die Vegan” – ? That just seems mean.
punctured bicycle´s last blog ..Two week forecast
If pastel hair is back in, my childhood has returned full circle!! Lady Lovely Locks is back in vogue!
http://fc03.deviantart.net/fs17/f/2007/214/d/7/Lady_LovelyLocks_by_manony.jpg
Forever 21 sells such slutty clothes to have Jesus stuff on their bags. Does Jesus know??? Someone should tell him. I would. But we don’t really talk much….. Not since Christian college…
Couple things:
1. Laura and I both agree that you do, in fact, need your Huggie Bear jacket. Even with summer approaching… the world is a cold, cold place.
2. I think you’ll look totally boss with the pastel colored locks. To shamelessly promote, here’s a little more inspiration for you that Laura did recently: http://www.ontheracks.com/2010/04/candy-colored-hair/
3. Love getting my daily dose of adventure, mystery and romance on your blog. Glad you came out of hibernation and are stepping your game up. Keep up the fine writings.
Simply the best,
Blake
Blake´s last blog ..If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em…
Are you sure it isn’t like the time? John shopped here at 3:16 p.m. before he realized that the store is for cleavage and skinny people. Or do they now sell loin cloths? (Why do I picture Jesus in a loin cloth — I think that’s probably Adam. Post-Eve-and-the-snake fiasco.)
Alex´s last blog ..Humble Pita
HAHAHAHA! Geese on your boobs … now I’m thinking about it. Which is funny. Not creepy.
Totally.
Sarah P´s last blog ..PSA: Non-Date-Rape Etiquette
How long did the hair dye last? I keep tying my hair purple, and it washes out, or maybe it just fades in and you don’t notice it. My hair is darker than yours so it takes a lot of hair dye to make it even a little purple, but what’s the fun of having a job where people don’t look at you if you can’t dye your hair purple. I’m thinking I need to try a different dye, or more bleach.
Cassondra´s last blog ..How Crystal Bowersox lost American Idol
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