What I do when I should be writing.
Today I’m going to completely ignore all the laundry in the house and all the dishes in the sink and the taxes and the possible termite problem in the bathroom. And also working on my novel. That too. Instead, I’m going to do a tutorial on how to make Barbie clothes. Because if you’re a mom of girls or even boys in my case, you’ve got a shit ton of naked Barbies around. Also, no one can waste time like I can. NO ONE.
Barbie came home naked from Ken’s house all the time when I was growing up. My sister Bridget and I decided that rather than force her to go back there and get them, we’d make her some. Dating Ken is humiliating enough without having to go back for your evening gown.
There are just two things necessary for Barbie clothes: scissors and odd socks. So today I raided our Lonely Hearts Sock Club and pulled out a few different ones. Currently we only have two Barbies. One is a Mermaid and the other is shockingly still clothed, though her short shorts have Velcro at the back, for Ken I guess, who after all these years still can’t manage snaps. Fool. But Velcro Ken can handle. So she won’t be dressed much longer, nudge nudge wink wink.
In my house, Barbie did a lot of clubbing. Like, a lot. She pretty much lived on the dance floor. If you’ve ever seen Barbie try to dance, you know she’s just got one move which is the pivot. She stands rigid, arms in some kind of rigor mortis position and pivots forward and backwards on her tip toes. So she’d call up Skipper and be like, “Yo, let’s go pivot.” At our house, this dance club only played one song. That song was Safety Dance:
Sometimes Bridget who was the guest DJ would make a kind of remix where we would turn on a fan and say the lyrics into the fan, creating a kind of choppy, echoey effect that when you’re nine sounds super awesome. Anyway, I got distracted by the Safety dance.
So on with the tutorial:
Note that Mattel has bothered to make undies for her (note the textured area) but I think they’re made of net and flesh toned. Also no bra. They have added a dog collar on this one by the looks of it. Stay classy Barbie, stay classy.
Nekked
Let’s get started. The socks I had to work with are below. I didn’t use all of them, but most. The long black one is Arun’s dress sock. The black one with “Power” on it actually says “Power Reviews,” a place I used to work where we reviewed things powerfully. The others are kid socks.
They look like socks now, but just wait.
So I took Arun’s dress sock first and cut notches in the side of the toe part of the sock, for Barbie’s arms. Tiny notches will do, she’s an anorexic.
Too much time on her hands exhibit A.
Then cut off the bottom of the sock to the length you want. I went for a sophisticated ball gown look. Slip the sock over her head, pull her arms through and fold over the top part, like so:
Tara thinks to herself: I should probably get a job.
You’ll note the gown is still a bit shapeless, so take some of the extra fabric and create a bandeau around her waist. And presto-chango, she’s ready for a sophisticated night out, as long as you don’t see her from the back.
Oscar ready.
The below cherry sock is Ivy’s. I made it into a romper. You can’t always be sophisticated. Sometimes you need to romp.
You know, a romper. For romping.
And note the coordinating hair tie, also from the sock.
Next I tried a Thomas the Tank dress. Fail. Note the poochy butt in the second pic.
Looks like Thomas is having a look up her dress.
"I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other bruthas can't deny..".nevermind, this is just ugly.
But this, THIS is my triumph. The air hostess, with cape and jaunty cap, made from the Power Reviews sock. Really hope I never find the match for this one, Arun likes these.
The two tone dress! The jaunty cap!
Also if anyone knows how to make an arrow in Photoshop, help. Mine look drunk.
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Where to begin…
1) You’re right. NOBODY can waste time like you.
2) That’s very clever
3) I have a bag full of mismatched socks, so this idea has potential. I wonder if Martha Stewart would use it in her magazine or “It’s a good thing,” segment.
4) I used to dance with my friends to “Safety Dance” in seventh-grade when we were supposed to leave for school.
5) Ken is lame. I used my Luke Skywalker doll as Barbie’s main man.
6) I like the Thomas the Train pix, but in the next one, Barbie’s but is looking a little saggy. Perhaps a cotton ball to fill out her flat butt?
Whoa! Last night at Whole Foods, as Alec and I were shopping for bread and a can of tuna (the checkout total was somehow in excess of $45), Safety Dance came on. Alec and I typically shop separately because I get distracted and often rather irritable at Whole Foods, so it’s safer that way. When the song came on I rushed to find him, and eventually did in the canned soup section, explaining that I needed to hold his hand and share with him the wonder that is Safety Dance. “It’s your Barbie dance song” he said. Yes, yes it is.
There are two notes I would like to add to your story. First, the top of a men’s dress socks is often a tube, and if you cut just below the cuff and turn it inside out you have a fantastic, though snug, tube dress, tube top, tube skirt, or headband. Second, come summer, one of her many trips to Hawaii or simply getting stranded on a desert island (as she did so often), water balloons make marvelous bikinis. Take the bulb end, cut two holes for legs and you have the bottoms. A tube top can easily be fashioned from the neck end of the balloon. Of course, rubber tube tops and skirts also make fantastic club wear. You can dance if you want to, Barbie.
HAHAHA! I was the one who gave you Barbie as a revenge against your Mom for giving my boys cap guns when I was determined to raise non-violent children! Now all 6 of you are ruined: 3 of my 4 own or have owned fire arms and 1 actually supports the NRA, and you two grown women exchange ideas on how to dress your Barbies. I should probably have given Barbies to my boys and your dad should have taken you to the shooting range. Too late now.
But wait! I have the match to that dress sock upstairs!!! Barbie, nooooooo!
Brilliant! I especially love the Thomas the Tank Engine dress. It’s very Moschino!
As a young queer boy, I wish I had known about these sock dresses. I didn’t have Barbie, but Planet of the Apes figures and their was one female doll Zira. I built her and her husband Cornelius, a doll house out of old boxes and scraps of fabric, wallpaper etc. My mom made Zira some clothes, anything was better than that drab green thing she came with, though she did have sexy knee high boots. I wish my mom would have thought of socks. Zira could have had a whole wardrobe!
Great post- funny and informative.
Best, Kelly
http://www.thegreatwithin.org
I appropriately saw this today. http://newmedia.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/224187/Wal+Mart+Fail/
I LOVE this. I have neither Barbies nor kids nor plans to have either any time soon. But this is awesome. I probably like it extra much because it makes me feel better for wasting time and not writing all day today too. Also, I feel like Barbie’s boobs got smaller from when I was a kid.
I can barely believe the law enforcement in your town allows you to have scissors. Yet I see serious potential here. quick get a patent…
Photoshop: Go into ‘pen tool’ (looks like a caligraphy tip of a pin). Click twice to make two ends of a line (you’ll figure it out). Right click, ’stroke path,’ brush. It’ll make a line to whatever you have the brush set to (width, whatever). Good for straight lines.
On that count, I just found a huge box of naked Barbies with the clothes kind of forming one unmanageable mess at the bottom. I was apparently obsessed with naked girls back then, go figure. If I ever lost socks, I’d totally do this.
I HAVE NEVER LOST SOCKS.
K´s last blog ..I have a lot of things to do tomorrow, so I’m distracting myself from thinking about it at the moment through this entry