I have 50/50 custody with my ex-husband. That story is for another day. But what it means is that we go week on week off, with exchanges on Fridays. The kids have mostly adjusted to this, but it’s been a long road. They are adjusting far better than I am, though it’s been a few years.
On Thursday, the day before they go back to their dad’s I am flooded with this weird feeling of euphoria that by Friday morning is gone. After a long week, I am often exhausted by the three of them. They are still small and the week takes a lot out of me. I look forward to the break. I am optimistic about what I’ll do with it. I make big plans. And then Friday hits, and I send them off to their dads and it’s like all the air comes out of me. I’m lost again.
the kids
It’s that feeling of walking along one of those moving walkways in an airport. You’re chugging along at a nice pace and then there’s this jerky sensation when you step off. It’s a jolt, and one I can’t seem to get used to. Fifty percent of the time I am a full time mother, and fifty percent of the time I am in this weird vacuum where I have to readjust. The kids are missing, but all around me is their stuff. It’s strange walking by their bedrooms in the morning. I have started closing their door so I don’t have to look. I know they are alright. They are with their dad and his wife. I know I can call them, even see them if I want, but they are elsewhere.
I do a lot of wandering mentally and physically during the off weeks. I waste a good deal of time because I’m just not sure what to do with myself. I write a little. I clean the house. I do some laundry. I wander around Target. I lack focus because I’m not sure what my identity is supposed to be when they’re not with me. I know I should write more. I have a novel that is half done, the characters have been in suspended animation for a year now, since I abandoned it. But I should go back to that, I should. I just can’t seem to get the focus back.
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*awkward virtual hug from a stranger*
I don’t know how I would schedule my time with a week away from my kids. I can barely function with a full day without them.
How old are your twins? Mine are 3, b/g.
Although it’s probably best for your kids to have you both present in their lives, I’m sure the adjustment is rough. It’s all or none, all or none. Once we have children, they shape who we are and so we are missing some of ourselves when we’re separated.
Perhaps you should make yourself a realistic schedule, which includes writing, and then do your best to stick to it. I just wrote a post with a similar vow yesterday. When we’re out of sorts, sometimes it’s hard to stay focused, but other times, it’s a great time to channel the feelings onto paper (Even virtual paper).
I hope it gets easier.
“Time and maternity can so force and violate a personality that it can hardly remember what it was.”
Margaret Drabble in the last pages of “The Garrick Year”.
Don’t forget, you forage at the Bargain Grocery Outlet.
Wow… that’s hard…>.< *Hugs!! *
Well, you do seem pretty strong ^-^ And your kids look beautiful and gorgeous!!
For the last 6 years my ex and I have done the 50/50 thing with our son – 3 days each and alternate Saturdays. It is crazy hard – especially as now my son calls his step mum “ma”. In spite of the regular issues about the right clothes/books/toys being at the “other” house, it’s been worth it, if only because my son knows that he has two families that love him, mine and his jerk ass father’s.